Ella's Complexity

Spirit, we know that we have done wrong by You. Please forgive us for grieving, resisting, and quenching You.  We have resisted You through sin, through our rebellion, and through our hardness of heart.  At times, we have been spiritually blind.  At other times, we knew what You wanted us to do, but we chose to ignore Your promptings.  Yet this is not how we want to live now. 

We need You to change us.  Only through You can we truly worship.  Spirit of the Lord, You are the one who brings us to a place where we can worship.  You are the Spirit of truth, the Sprit of holiness, the Spirit of life.  Thank You for the truth, the holiness, and the life You give us.

We need Your wisdom and understanding as we seek to live this life.  Keep us from disbelief, from fear.  We need Your strength to help us do what you are asking us to do and to live how You are asking us to live.  Speak loudly and drown out the other voices calling us to conform to the patterns of this world. 

You are the Spirit of self-control and love.  Give us the self-control needed to deny our flesh and follow You.  Give us a love strong enough to motivate courageous action.  Manifest Yourself through us that we may serve and love Your bride, the church, as You do.

Come, Holy Spirit, come.  We don’t know exactly what that means and looks like for each of us yet, in the particular places You’ve called us to inhabit.  But, nonetheless, whatever it means, we ask for Your presence.  Come, Holy Spirit, come.

(Forgotten God – Francis Chan)

The circular habits of falling for someone and then pushing that person away is emotionally and mentally draining. I’ve been noticing through past experiences (and from kinds words from friends) that I “look under every stone” when it comes to boy-interests hoping to find that “perfect guy”. But the truth is, I’m afraid of someone liking me. Questions arise when a guy and I become too friendly:

Do I like this guy because of him or because I like the attachment?

Am I becoming too emotionally attached to him? 

Does he even think of me at my level?

I get nervous about whether I can handle the friendship being just friendship because I always mess up my friendships by liking the friends. The relationship becomes a bit awkward because I let myself open to him - and I expect him to be just that towards me. 

And this phase of ‘having someone that you like’ is admirable for me. I actually like this attention and drama, but at the same time, I am annoyed at myself for allowing these things to happen. How pathetic I am to have myself go over and over on these draining phases? I respect myself for goodness sake! 

But at this time, as I write this, I can’t help but think about the next conversation I will have with this person. Please, dear me, don’t mess up this friendship!!

You would never know that I go on facebook just to talk to you. Waiting for you to go on fb because then, I feel like I’m not showing my interests to you.

Wow. I’m such a loser. 

We talk many times online, text each other, and meet from time to time. But when you aren’t available to talk just makes me miss you. Or do I miss having someone to talk to and not you? 

When we meet, is it just me or does it feel awkward?

I want to stop talking to you because I know that I am getting attached to you and all the things that comes with you - chatting, telephoning, texting, and the such.